Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
