no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
