Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
