shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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