You can't motorboat a personality
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
