I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
