Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
