my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
