I wish I could teleport
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
