i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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