My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i've created a new STD.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You've changed since you got that strap on
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize