and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
