literally had 100 drinks last night.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
