I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
