somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
