If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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