If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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