meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize