Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize