so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
