Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am midnight drunk by noon
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
