Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
