we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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