you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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