1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize