dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
