I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
