I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
