I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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