conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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