So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
