ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I had your ass I would rule the world
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize