I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
