After last night, I could never be a politician.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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