I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
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