i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
