one word: firstdatebathroomanal
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm both gender and math confused
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
