as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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