I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
