I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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