lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need moral support for this bender
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
