Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize