I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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