sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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