I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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