if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize