K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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