Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
