I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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