if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
