Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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