does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
