She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Randomize
