Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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