you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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