Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I deserve this hangover.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
