i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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