Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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