he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
