I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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