he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
