I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
