You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
