you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
