ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
